Today I am starting a 26 series challenge. Where every Friday, I will be doing the next letter in the alphabet based on an a emotion. To learn more about this challenge. Please read below. I have added it at the end of this post.
Today's letter is : A. I choose to write about the word "abandoned".
Abandoned
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Abandoned is an adjective which means desert or cast off. And to be unrestrained or uninhibited
As an adult I have abandonment issues. I believe it is because of my past experiences where I feel abandoned throughout my life.
It started when I was a baby. I was born into this world blind and deaf. I could not see or hear a thing. Can you imagine what it would feel like to not be able to see or hear anything? I could feel things. I had no clue what they were.
I think I knew my mom. Maybe it was her scent that I recognized. As she would tell me when she would put me down I would cry til I was held again. She would shake me out of frustration. Abandoned me in the dark.
This went on till I was two years old, when I was lucky enough to have surgery on my eyes and ears. After the surgery I had partial hearing in both ears. A hole was found in my left ear drum that could not be repaired. I received sight in my right eye. My left eye still would not work. I was given glasses to help correct that eye. Which is called a "lazy eye."
Over the years my siblings help me play catch up in learning how to talk and walk normal. We would play in the dark together. As I would wake them to get them to play. The dark was a comfort to me. I still prefer the night over the daylight.
By time I was five, my dad cheated on my mother. I remember going to the woman house. She had a daughter younger than me. Later, my father divorced my mother and married that woman.
During the divorce my mother left my siblings and I at my dad's to find a lawyer. My dad said she abandoned us and won custody of us in court. I took this really hard. As I was closer to my mother, than my father. My mother was always there. My father was not.
I heard a story that mom gave up a chance at custody of us siblings. Instead, she choose to abandoned us to go to my ex stepfathers court hearing instead of our custody hearing. As a young child. This really hurt. I would cry myself to sleep wanting my mother. Only she knew how to smooth my tears.
I never really had a good relationship with my step mother or father. Even though I grew up in their home. I don't remember ever been talked to by either one of them. Only told what chores need to be done, yelled at if it wasn't completed the right way and grounded for months on end to my room. I did not have a happy childhood.
After graduating, I was working two jobs. My stepmother said I had two quit one of those jobs. I choose the higher paying job. I started staying with a friend off and on. She was my highschool best friend. One day I got off work. all my belongings were sitting at my best friends home.
I felt abandoned again. I did what my stepmother asked. Why was I kicked out of my home without a word to me. Not one word to me. Not one. That was harsh. That wasn't all.
On top of that, one night I was rear ended. This caused me to pass out at work. Causing me to be fired. Thus, I was out of a job.
I decided I was moving to Florida with my best friend. I abandoned Florida, after I got in a fist fight with my best friend. I came home to Ohio. Soon afterwards I met my first husband. Had a child and got married.
Two years later he abandoned both of us. He took the cowardly way out by moving in with another chick without saying a word.
I was staying with my grandmother at the time. He would call my grandmother's harassing. As well as his new girlfriend. It was bad. This upset my grandmother that she cussed me out. I landed in a women's shelter. I felt abandoned once again. This time with a toddler in tow.
Within a year. I ended up hooking up with my estranged husband. Some how he seem to never leave after that night. fast forward, two kids, married, being shot, and moved to Florida. Then abandoned with two kids back in my home state for another woman.
My estranged husband expressed his fear of losing his job. So, he sent me and the kids to stay with my sister in Ohio. Really he lied. He moved us away. So, he could move his mistress in. Once I learned the news I felt abandoned once again. I fell into a real deep depression. It was bad.
To put a long story short, it took me 8 months to get my place in Ohio. Moving from place to place after being kicked out for different reasons. I was at a point homeless living in my van with my children. I felt abandoned by my estranged husband, my family and friends. My voice wasn't being heard. I felt invisible.
Since, then my life has made a dramatic change. I am in love with my boyfriend of three years. He doesn't understand my fear of being abandoned. However, he is there for me. He will listen when I need to talk. Or hold me when I can't.
I believe everything I have been through is why I have abandonment issues.
~~The End
This series was started by Ruth Cox, a good friend and great writer. To learn more about it. Please click on the photo below.
This post is one, in the many of a 26 week challenge series I have started based on emotions. I will be writing on a different emotion each week.
