Today's letter in the 26 week emotions challenge is "I". I choose to write about being isolated, intrusive, and ill tempered. As all three of these words go hand in hand with someone being disabled. I have spoken out many times about being disabled and the challenges I face on a day to day bases. One thing I noticed from being able body to becoming disabled......Isolation, Intrusive questions, and Ill Tempered.
Sometimes I feel like I must have some contagious disease, or invisible to everyone surrounding me. I live in the city and am lucky if I get out of my home to go anywhere besides a store or possible out to eat. I might as well live out in the country with nobody stopping by. When people see me, them seem to look right through like I am not even there.
I don't blame anyone, as I know I have pushed many people away. I was trying to rid the people I felt that was bad for my family and me. One that cause my depression to soar, those who stole off me or were only using me for their gain, and those who would deliberately seem to sabotage any ounce of happiness I might get. Plus, those who take delight in causing drama and hurting others.
One lady in particular I pushed away, as she has a bad drug habit. She is an ex roommate. She brought crack in to my house. After being forbidden to. I remember that day clearly. As it was the same day she had a couple of her friends scream and threaten me when I kicked her out. Her friends were mad because I placed a damper in their plans to take her money at the beginning of the month. They wanted to include me in. I refused. I was in my room being blocked away from the door by two of her friends screaming at me what to do. One placed her hands on my shoulders. I pushed her as hard as I could. It sent her flying to the floor hitting her head on the nightstand before bouncing on the floor. I took my chance and got out of my room quickly.
As I was leaving the room a male friend grab my shoulders. As he heard screaming. However, I think he knew what was up. I was still in defense mode. I raised my fist and pull my hand back. He seen I was about to punch him. So, his hands flew up as he said okay. As he allowed me through. I looked straight at the ex roommate and told her, "You want to send your friends in my room to attack. You are out of here by the 1st of the month. I am done with your nonsense drama." As she started crying.
I actually stayed friends with her once she was out. Til she started causing trouble between my boyfriend and myself. Which she did twice. The topper was when she was begging me to come see her. As she didn't have a vehicle. I told her, "I don't have one either. You know this." Her response,"You could walk." I hung up on her and that was the last time I tried to talk to her. As she knew from living with me for over a year. There was no way I could walk that far. Not with my disability. She was going back to old ways to try and guilt and push me in doing something I know I can not physically do.
Isolation happens when it is hard to get out and meet new people. Meeting new people tends to bring on intrusive questions. Ones that has been asked of me many times. I get tired of repeating the same answers. I know they have heard it for the first time. As I am saying it for the millionth time.
It seems to be the same old routine and dance. Once the person gets their fill. They move on their way to not hear from again. I know I can't do everything an able bodied person can. However, I can do alot more than what people think I can. I just do it different to get the same results as them.
I am not incapable of being active. I actually enjoy getting out and doing things. I can't walk long distances at one time. I can use a walking stick to help me get further before I have to sit and rest from the pain. It takes me longer to get somewhere. At times I have had to use a scooter. If I am in an area where one could be rented. I can not ride a bike anymore. I can drive but can't more than an hour before needing to pull over and rest and stretch my legs from the pain.
When the pain is too great or my sugar is out of whack. I become ill tempered. Sometimes I don't realize I am being that way till someone tells me. Which leads to me being embarrassed, apologizing and wanting to hide away.
My isolation stems from the fear I have felt since getting disabled. I had many people tell me I am fine, to quit faking it. I no longer talk to those people. Why should I subject myself to those who don't believe me? Stupid if you ask me.
I am at the point I am okay with being isolated from alot of people. Sure I get lonely every now and again. However, those who surround me now. Don't tell me I am faking it. They believe in me. They believe I am capable of many things. My temper doesn't grow short with them. As they will wait and walk beside me as I am slower. Instead of me always following trying to catch up. The best part, they accept me with my limitations and ill temper. They understand. They are what you call .............true friends.
Funny thing is, that ex roommate contacted me the other day via Facebook asking if my boyfriend was around. Wanting his phone number. No clue why. Never of us had talked to her in months. I told my boyfriend. He said to tell her he has no phone anymore. Which is exactly what I did.
One thing I have learned being handicapped. One does not have to be isolated. Many times a handicap person needs someone to listen to their woes. I mean really listen. Not pass judgement. Finding the right people to surround yourself with matters. It can make all the difference in the world with which way your life is headed.
Challenge : To write about an emotion or two thats starts with the letter "I".
Here'sof my other articles in this series :
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